Monkey Butt, aka CrossFit Crack: A Pain in the Ass

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by CHRIS McCUNE

Monkey Butt, aka CrossFit Crack: A Pain in the Ass
As CrossFitters, we are generally proud of our injuries. Not major ones of course, but the small stuff. Like hand tears from pull-ups or shin scrapes from deadlifts. We wear these boo-boos like badges of honor. We Instagram our wounds like a sorority girl does selfies. But there is one powerful plight that remains taboo, one malevolent maiming that misses social media: monkey butt, the silent ASSassin. 

During a sit-up, the area on your body that is most prone to rubbing is the area just above your bottom…
My CrossFit journey was still in its infancy when I became acquainted with monkey butt (MB). MB is not unlike food poisoning, sneaking up on you uninvited and rendering you utterly defeated and making mundane tasks (like sitting, for instance) monumental.

First of all, what is monkey butt? As far as CrossFit goes, I only know one way to get monkey butt — sit-ups. MB occurs when friction causes an abrasion to your skin. During a sit-up, the area on your body that is most prone to rubbing is the area just above your bottom… Basically the very top portion of your butt crack, the uppermost buttocks region. Multiple sit-ups combined with the grinding hard floor and sweat and perhaps abrasive clothing can create quite a raspberry above your bottom. Think of it as a skinned knee, but on your crack (also leading to the name “CrossFit Crack”). Sounds lovely, huh?

It’s not. Not at all.

Straight Misery

Straight Misery
Monkey butt hurts! It hurts something fierce! Although nothing hurts like the initial MB discovery (more on that soon), everything hurts afterwards. Just taking a seat becomes a twelve-step program. First you have to squat down, then catch yourself with your hands to keep your bum elevated, then lower yourself gingerly onto one cheek and then slowly roll over into a seated position. This process takes approximately 15 seconds and will make the most manliest of men look like whimpering little babies. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Oh wait, did you think that’s the extent of the man card mangling? Nope! MB is a twisted, back country, inbred cousin of diaper rash. What’s a way to make diaper rash go away? Slather it with Desitin. What’s a way to help monkey butt go away? Lather yourself up with the same and smell like a diaper! Yay for manliness!

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