Monkey Butt, aka CrossFit Crack: A Pain in the Ass

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Page:  2 « Prev
Print
by CHRIS McCUNE

Where Did It Come From?

Where Did It Come From?

My first thought was that a viper had slithered out of the drain and embedded its fangs into my ass.
You don’t feel MB as it forms. You don’t feel your skin rubbing away. You don’t notice the raw meat above your butt. Oh, but you will notice it!

I discovered my monkey butt the same way most people do — in the shower. I have a certain way I get into the shower: I start facing the water and get my face and front side nice and warm and wet first. Then I turn around and get my back side. I let the water hit the back of my head and shoulders and then trickle down my back. And as the water trickles down, it contacts the lower half of my body….

Dear God, make it stop! Make the pain go away! 

My first thought was that a viper had slithered out of the drain and embedded its fangs into my ass. No joke. I yelled. Or maybe screamed. I at least hollered, and it could’ve been partially a whimper. I thought I had just taken a bullet in my butt. It was one of the most intense, worst pains I had ever felt. Perhaps what made it the worst was I had no idea it was coming! (“Rains of Castamere,” anyone?) I’m pretty sure I took a crossbow bolt to the buttocks during that shower. Curse you, monkey butt!

I’ll Never Forget You, Monkey Butt

I'll Never Forget You, Monkey Butt
The first cut is the deepest. Did Sheryl Crow have MB when she wrote this song?? Maybe! All I know is that I will never forget what it felt like the first time the viper water hit my poor raw butt after a WOD of sit-ups. Each and every time I do sit-ups now, I will give myself a once-over in the mirror before entering the shower. If I notice some raw redness… I’m not sure what I’m going to do, perhaps just not shower and just Old Spice up or something.

Some people will stick a jug of milk under your nose and ask you if you think it smells bad or if it is spoiled. If it is truly spoiled milk, you’ll know. The smell is unmistakable. You know if the milk is spoiled. Monkey butt is the same way. If you think you’ve had MB, you haven’t had MB. You KNOW if you’ve had the monkey butt.

**

If you think you’ve had MB, you haven’t had MB. You KNOW if you’ve had the monkey butt.
So what can you do to prevent monkey butt? You can use an AbMat when doing sit-ups do help relieve some of the pressure/friction between yourself and the floor. You can use a rolled up towel to sit on. You could probably do sit-ups in one of those doughnut things that shorter people use to help see over the steering wheel when driving. You can use the anti-chafe balm that runners use. There’s even some anti monkey butt powder! Remember — and this is especially true for MB — an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Monkey butt, the bane of sit-ups everywhere. This has been a public service announcement. You have been warned. Monkey butt is real, it exists, and it will sneak up on you and literally bite you in the ass.

**Author’s Note: I was made aware post-issuance that The First Cut Is The Deepest was actually written by Cat Stevens, not Sheryl Crow. Thanks @laurabygaslight!**

“Miserable, Mysterious, Memorable, Monkey Butt” first appeared at ifailedfran.com. ifailedfran.com is a personal blog chronicling a new CrossFitter’s journey into CrossFit and life. Check it out! Follow Chris on Twitter at @ifailedfran.

Page « Prev 1 2
Printable Version

We Are Scouting Top Writers

Are you passionate about fitness and have something to say? Reach a huge online community and get the discussion going - start writing for Tabata Times today!

Share this post
@TabataTimes on Twitter, become a fan on Facebook 

Contribute to this story by commenting below:

Advertise Here

Most Popular of All Time

astewart30 published the post Size Doesn't Matter on Tabata Times
From the time I was 10 years old I have been aware of my size. I have always known how much I weigh...
CrossFit KSX posted on Facebook

Tuesday's Workout Strength: 10 min EMOM 3 Deadlift @ 70% of 3RM Conditioning: 12min EMOM 3 Power cleans 155/115 5 strict pull-ups Rest 2 min: 3 rounds of: 1 min elbow plank 45 sec max supermans 30 sec Russian twist with weight 20/15 * 30 sec rest between rounds*

Kristy Parrish published the post How Julie Foucher Became Julie Foucher on
Editor's Note: "How Julie Foucher Became Julie Foucher" was originally posted to the Beyond the...
WhatWouldJohnMackEat published the post Portuguese Style Littleneck Clams on Nutrition WOD
Littleneck clams are hands down my favorite seafood. I eat them raw, steamed or cooked Portuguese...
Breaking Point Fitness CrossFit Ridge Ave posted on Facebook

Tuesday 9/9/14 15 mins to work to heavy Snatch deadlift + snatch pull + snatch For time: 10 power cleans 185/125 20 burpee over bar 30 toe 2 bar 200ft farmers carry 55/35 30 toe 2 bar 20 burpee over bar 10 power cleans

CrossFit RDU shared a link on Facebook

CrossFit Invoke shared an image on Facebook

Body Comp Challenge is in full swing. Be sure to make these next 12 weeks worth it! #cfinvoke #cfiathlete #cfibootycamp #crossfit #bodycomp #fat #relentlesslife #weighin #eatright #nutrition #goals #progress

CrossFit King of Prussia posted an article
CrossFit RDU posted an article
CrossFit Gastonia shared a link on Facebook

Tuesday's WOD http://www.crossfitgastonia.com/w-o-d

CrossFit Delaware Valley shared an image on Facebook

6pm cleanin' and dubbin'!

CrossFit Delaware Valley shared an image on Facebook

N'Sync! (See what I did there? Lol)

Breaking Point Fitness CrossFit Ridge Ave shared a link on Facebook

There is still space left to register for the Carl Paoli seminar at CrossFit Ridge Ave on September 20th from 9am-5pm. The seminar is $295 with discounts offered for CF Level 1 Certified Trainers, Educators, Military/Fire/Police/Rescue and USA Gymnastics members! https://freestyleconnection.pushpress.com/open/event/freestyle-connection-seminar---philadelphia-pa

CrossFit 77 shared an image on Facebook

What an awesome start to our Let's Move class on Saturday September 6! Remember this class is free every Saturday from 10:30-11:30 bring your kids and their friends! We can't wait to see the turn out for this Saturday!

CrossFit 77 posted on Facebook

George just PR'd his back squat by 50lbs! 365# like a champ!

CrossFit Wake Forest posted on Facebook

9/9/2014 WOD: Push Press 3-3-3-3-3 Use the heaviest weight you can for each set. Rest as needed between sets. Then: 4 rounds for time of: Run, 200 m 10 Kettlebell Swings

CrossFit Wilmington posted an article
CrossFit Harrisburg posted on Facebook

Tues Back Squat (3x4 @ 80%, then 1 set for max reps) 15 mins to complete Metcon (Time) 4 Rounds 200m Run 40 double unders 300m Row Rest 1 min 2 for 1 du subs

CrossFit Invoke posted an article
CrossFit Main Line posted an article
CrossFit Main Line posted an article
CrossFit Main Line posted an article
CrossFit Main Line posted an article
Raleigh CrossFit posted an article
CrossFit Wilmington shared an image on Facebook

Everyone loves HSPUs @cfwilmington #wantmoredomore #strongereveryday

CrossFit LKN shared an image on Facebook

Big 9 am class this morning!

CrossFit Wilmington shared an image on Facebook

Great job to Alison and all of our new members this summer!

judyjudyjudy published the post Why The Box Is Not Like Any Old Gym- Facing Fear and Finding Beauty At Crossfit on
"He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear. " ~Ralph Waldo...
Raleigh CrossFit posted an article
CrossFit Main Line shared an image on Facebook

Beginning this week, YOGA will be offered at 10:30am on Tuesdays at CFML and Thursdays at CFR5. Come join us!

CrossFit Durham posted on Facebook

Welcome back to CFD athlete, and recent new MOM, Rachel Mason!

CrossFit RDU shared a link on Facebook

CrossFit RDU shared an image on Facebook

We will have WODbody Sports Massage in house here at CrossFit RDU this coming Wednesday. Appointment slots will be available from 3pm-8pm in 30min sessions or more. There will be a sign up sheet on the whiteboard. Check them out and we may make it a permanent fixture! $35 - 30 minutes $45 - 40 minutes $55 - 50 minutes $65 - 60 minutes

CrossFit RDU posted an article
CrossFit Exchange shared an image on Facebook

Achieving Excellence through competition helps us break through our own boundaries. From the coaches desk we are all proud of the athletes that came out, and more importantly for all of your help and support.

CrossFit Delaware Valley shared an image on Facebook

Ladies - check this out!

CrossFit Durham shared a link on Facebook

CrossFit 910 shared an image on Facebook

liftlaugheatrepeat published the post Secret Ingredient Paleo Meatloaf on
So my husband absolutely loves meatloaf, which is great because it's a relatively simple meal...
CrossFit Main Line shared a link on Facebook

Hey Main Liners and R5ers! Good news...beginning this Thursday, 9.11 at 6:30pm we are bringing in a Chiropractor a couple days a week for your aches, pains and general fitness recovery needs to CFML. The wonderful, Dr. Katzen will be scheduling free consultations and following up with necessary treatments. We could all use a little adjustment. Call today to schedule your appointment at CFML- 610-664-8330 http://www.drkatzen.com/

CrossFit Coastal shared an image on Facebook

Congratulations to Brandon M for passing his CrossFit Level 1 Certification and also Head Coaches Phil & Kelly for completing / passing their CrossFit Kettlebell Certification this weekend! Continuing education is very important to us here at CrossFit Coastal. Your instructors are always in a constant state of learning new ways to serve you better. Proud of you!

CrossFit Harrisburg shared an image on Facebook

No heel strike.

CrossFit 919 posted on Facebook

Endurance WOD tonight at 6:30 PM. We'll be inside on the rowers.

CrossFit Durham posted on Facebook

Wishing Greg Wehn a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

CrossFit Durham posted an article
CrossFit Durham shared an image on Facebook

Check out CFD athlete, Sarah Tallent, in our latest Athlete Spotlight! "My body has much more muscle than before. I like that part. I also really like feeling strong. I never feel more strong than when my hands are around a barbell preparing for a 1 rep max of something." www.crossfitdurham.com/sarah-tallent

CrossFit LKN posted on Facebook

This Wednesday, September 10th from 6:30-8:00pm Kyle will be holding a Nutrition Seminar. It is free and open to anyone who would like to attend (members or non-members). If you haven't attended one of Kyle's nutrition seminars definitely get in for this one!

CrossFit 77 shared a link on Facebook

11 Reasons Dehydration Is Making You Sick & Fat http://themindunleashed.org/2014/09/11-reasons-dehydration-making-sick-fat.html

CrossFit Durham posted on Facebook

Congratulations to our newest Foundations Course graduates, Ali Giusto and Sam Matias! Welcome to CFD!

CrossFit Exchange shared an image on Facebook

What a day!

CrossFit Main Line shared an image on Facebook

R5s Monday morning 6am crew 1RM Front Squat with 3sec pause Then, 1000m Row 50 Wall Balls 30 Pull Ups

Oak City CrossFit posted an article
CrossFit Silver Spring posted an article
CrossFit WhiteMarsh shared a link on Facebook

Monday WOD

CrossFit Dilworth posted on Facebook

CFE Week of 9.8.14: 9/8: 4 Rds: 2min each of row, burpees, DU. 1 min rest btw each. Then, core work. 9/10: 25 Min AMRAP of 400M Run w/ max plank hold. Once runner can no longer hold plank they must run again. Then, 5 Min hill sprints every 30 sec.

CrossFit Harrisburg shared a link on Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1540962729472369&id=1429905077244802

ESC CrossFit Southend shared a link on Facebook

9/8/14 – Paleo Potluck Tailgating on Sunday! http://wp.me/p2DLR3-VK

CrossFit Dilworth shared a link on Facebook

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Tomorrow is 6x6 back squats so rest up tonight! This week and next week will be the two hardest weeks of the squat cycle, so prepare yourself (mentally and physically!) and don't miss out. The squatting will take the majority of the class time, we want to make sure you get through your sets with enough rest and not too rushed. See you tomorrow! http://crossfit-dilworth.com/monday-wod-9-8-14/

CrossFit Dilworth posted an article
CrossFit Revamped posted on Facebook

What a great weekend at Revamped! The SuperFit competition couldn't have gone any better and we are so thankful to have had so many awesome volunteers and judges. We wouldn't have been able to do it without you guys. The judging was on point! So many great no reps! haha I am terrible. But really, you guys killed it and my equipment crew was crazy fast! All the heats were ready to rock and roll every event. The comp finished like 2 hours ahead of schedule with no hick ups throughout the day at all. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much. The Revamped athletes did amazing as always and we are super proud of you guys. Your training and hard work shined bright and you all showed a lot of heart all day. Tomorrow's WOD (Simple and to the point!) Strength Back Squat 5x5 @ 80% WOD Heavy "Grace" 30 Clean & Jerks for time (185/115) C (155/95) (135/95) S

@TabataTimes on Twitter

Watch the latest episode of GPTV