Monkey Butt, aka CrossFit Crack: A Pain in the Ass

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by CHRIS McCUNE

Where Did It Come From?

Where Did It Come From?

My first thought was that a viper had slithered out of the drain and embedded its fangs into my ass.
You don’t feel MB as it forms. You don’t feel your skin rubbing away. You don’t notice the raw meat above your butt. Oh, but you will notice it!

I discovered my monkey butt the same way most people do — in the shower. I have a certain way I get into the shower: I start facing the water and get my face and front side nice and warm and wet first. Then I turn around and get my back side. I let the water hit the back of my head and shoulders and then trickle down my back. And as the water trickles down, it contacts the lower half of my body….

Dear God, make it stop! Make the pain go away! 

My first thought was that a viper had slithered out of the drain and embedded its fangs into my ass. No joke. I yelled. Or maybe screamed. I at least hollered, and it could’ve been partially a whimper. I thought I had just taken a bullet in my butt. It was one of the most intense, worst pains I had ever felt. Perhaps what made it the worst was I had no idea it was coming! (“Rains of Castamere,” anyone?) I’m pretty sure I took a crossbow bolt to the buttocks during that shower. Curse you, monkey butt!

I’ll Never Forget You, Monkey Butt

I'll Never Forget You, Monkey Butt
The first cut is the deepest. Did Sheryl Crow have MB when she wrote this song?? Maybe! All I know is that I will never forget what it felt like the first time the viper water hit my poor raw butt after a WOD of sit-ups. Each and every time I do sit-ups now, I will give myself a once-over in the mirror before entering the shower. If I notice some raw redness… I’m not sure what I’m going to do, perhaps just not shower and just Old Spice up or something.

Some people will stick a jug of milk under your nose and ask you if you think it smells bad or if it is spoiled. If it is truly spoiled milk, you’ll know. The smell is unmistakable. You know if the milk is spoiled. Monkey butt is the same way. If you think you’ve had MB, you haven’t had MB. You KNOW if you’ve had the monkey butt.

**

If you think you’ve had MB, you haven’t had MB. You KNOW if you’ve had the monkey butt.
So what can you do to prevent monkey butt? You can use an AbMat when doing sit-ups do help relieve some of the pressure/friction between yourself and the floor. You can use a rolled up towel to sit on. You could probably do sit-ups in one of those doughnut things that shorter people use to help see over the steering wheel when driving. You can use the anti-chafe balm that runners use. There’s even some anti monkey butt powder! Remember — and this is especially true for MB — an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Monkey butt, the bane of sit-ups everywhere. This has been a public service announcement. You have been warned. Monkey butt is real, it exists, and it will sneak up on you and literally bite you in the ass.

**Author’s Note: I was made aware post-issuance that The First Cut Is The Deepest was actually written by Cat Stevens, not Sheryl Crow. Thanks @laurabygaslight!**

“Miserable, Mysterious, Memorable, Monkey Butt” first appeared at ifailedfran.com. ifailedfran.com is a personal blog chronicling a new CrossFitter’s journey into CrossFit and life. Check it out! Follow Chris on Twitter at @ifailedfran.

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