We all know that the Zombie Apocalypse could happen at any moment and that means we have to be ready to do battle with hordes of the undead, whose only wish is to tear us limb from limb. This is why I plan to add at least one CrossFitter to my Zombie Apocalypse Response Team.
Think I’m joking around here? Not on your life or on the lives of those bulky, bleary-eyed brain suckers who’ll be coming soon to a cul-de-sac near you.
I’m convinced that a CrossFitter will provide the smarts and brawn we’ll need to successfully squelch zombies and here’s why:
1: CrossFitters Have Stamina
We all know that one of the trickiest aspects of fighting zombies is staying alert and awake for long periods of time. Waging a war with zombies is a marathon, not a sprint. They have all the time on their side, because they don’t need to sleep thanks to their being dead already. So a CrossFitter who is well-trained, is going to be an Energizer Bunny machine. Sure, he or she will need to sleep upon occasion, but I trust that my CrossFitter isn’t going to be nodding off when we need a sentry.
2: CrossFitters Are Tough
When a pack of marauding zombies push past gates and start to tear down doorways, it’s an impressive and terrifying moment. With CrossFitters on our side, though, I’m fairly certain that we’ll have enough power to move heavy equipment if we have to, even if we have to move the heavy equipment as a team. Besides, zombies aren’t necessarily that strong; they’re just unwieldy. I think a CrossFitter could assist us in bringing down a bunch of them and maybe be able to swing an implement of destruction or two.
3: CrossFitters Are “In It to Win It”
Any individual who would relentlessly go through CrossFit routines again and again has no desire to fail. I mean, it’s just not an option. You get up, you do your CrossFit and that’s that.
There isn’t any turning back, nor is there any squawking like an infant. CrossFitters boast the type of mentality that makes it possible to do squats even when your legs are screaming for a break. That just happens to also be the type of mentality that beats even the most tenacious of dead or, rather, the undead.
4: CrossFitters Are Creative
I’ve never met a CrossFitter who didn’t have some semblance of innovativeness coursing throughout his or her hard-as-nails veins. That’s probably because of the huge variety of CrossFit regimens. Most individuals who are passionate about CrossFit are willing to try anything at least once, even if it means completing the WOD and heading straight for the therapy pool. I think we’re going to need their new ideas and sense of excitement when the going gets tough and the zombies get going!
5: CrossFitters Have a Well-Developed Sense of Humor
Finally, I want a CrossFitter on my side because I know he or she will be able to bring humor to the job. Laughter is essentially when doing battle with zombies, because zombies have about as much humor as my Uncle Edgar’s grumpy cat. In fact, I know any CrossFitter who has read this far into this article has more than a tiny bit of humor in his or her life. I like that.
So, who will be the CrossFitter on your Zombie Apocalypse Response Team? There’s no time like the present to put together the best band of brothers and sisters you can. Only the zombies know when they’ll try to take over the world, and hey, you have to be prepared for their swarm!