by JOSINTA TILLETT of Boxjumping
I’d always wanted to “lose a little weight”: drop a size, get rid of my cankles, say I was at 64kg (141 pounds) instead of 66kg (145 pounds). Whatever that meant. But I couldn’t. I gymmed, ran, counted calories. But the weight never really moved much.
Back home, I threw myself enthusiastically into my new-found CrossFit scene and ate quite Paleo; my weight remained stable. I was small. People commented, though: Mum said I was “too thin” while male mates noted my lack of curves. I still thought it was interesting and was pleased with my “achievements.”
Then I tried a 30-day Paleo challenge. What little grains and sugar I had in my diet were cut. The big test was getting rid of alcohol, but 100% Paleo gave me something else to obsess over rather than a recent break up. I dropped more weight and had to add meat to my breakfast to avoid getting even skinnier. I was proud of how I was able to manipulate my body, surprised that something that had always seemed impossible suddenly wasn’t.
And then it was Christmas, holiday time. I decided to quit my job and travel, and found myself totally out of my exercise and diet routines. I partied, went out for dinner with friends, stayed at friends’ houses and had easy access to all kinds of food. I was active but CrossFit sessions were infrequent.
A five month tour around Europe didn’t help. Tapas and beer in Spain; sweet, syrupy pastries in Morocco; sausages wrapped in pancakes, crisp bread and tubed caviar (seriously!) in Norway; cheese in Holland; sausages and mash in Germany; beer in Poland; sweet bread, meat and cream in the Czech Republic. If I hadn’t consumed it, I would have missed out on a massive cultural experience, but every day I thought about what I was eating and how much weight I was putting on.
And then I got thinking about people I’d met on my journey and the attitudes they had towards their bodies:
- A girl in Spain whose goal was to lose enough weight to have “that little gap at the top of (her) thighs.”
- Another who complained about being bloated after every meal and restricted calories as a result. She was already so thin she severely lacked strength in her arms but wanted to keep going.
- A Polish girl who had (probably) been affected by the Spanish mentality and restricted her calories where possible, wanting to lose weight but without working out.
- Both a girl and a guy in Italy who patted their tummies and said they needed to lose a bump, despite both being quite slim.
All of these people were wonderful and beautiful, but all spent a lot of energy just wanting to be “skinny.”
And then I read blogs. Blogs written by people, like me, who thought they were fat, constantly trying and failing to lose weight, and hating themselves for their failures. And finally it clicked… We are all freakin’ crazy!